Franklin Crawford

Tiny Town, USA – Prior to this autumn, the staff here at tinytowntimes.com were unaware that persimmon trees grew in our neck of the woods.

Now we know better. Not only about the presence of persimmon trees here but we were rescued from ignorance thanks to Bobo the Weatherman and Ike, the weather dog.

We didn't believe Bobo when he reported his persimmon tree finding. Then he started to bring these wondrous fruits to the office. The unripe fruit of a persimmon will give you a permanent scowl. It is astringent in extremis owing to an abundance of tannins.

Finally Bobo got over the joke and presented a ripe one. Now we know why it is called a fruit of the gods.

It reminded us of dates, pumpkins and a smoky spice of a sepia hint. And sweeeeeet! The persimmon carried Chad away to a time when he was a boy on the Mississippi, he said, lashing conyers with a Mokti ebbytayo. None of us knew what the hell he was talking about but the strange old language suits the peculiar antebellum mellow of this faultless fruit. 

Eventually Bobo led the spirited Franklin Crawford to tree. The latter climbed some little ways up hoisting a broken pruning tool. With this he was able to liberate about three dozen persimmons (see photo). The fruits did not resemble those we have seen on display in local markets – again, note photo.

Our pickings are long gone. Apparently it is best to leave them on the tree until post-frost. We snagged ours after the first hard frost but they could've used another freeze; the fruits held fast to their moorings and the yield was hard-won.

We have waited a while to post this story. As a news site we felt obliged to report the good news. Being in the first flush of love with these fruit, we are reluctant to reveal the source of our joy. We merely confirm that persimmon trees do exist here. You can order male and female trees from a local nursery – or try Oikos, in Michigan, a famous and good American tree nursery.

Here is a description from the Oikos catalogue, available online: 

The American persimmon is one of the most luscious and sweetest of fruits containing up to 30 percent sugar. The fruit's astringency or pucker power decreases with the sweetness increasing with ripening. This process is helped with warm summers and a warm fall along with frosts. Persimmons will grow in a variety of soils, including clay, sand, dry or wet. Seedling trees tolerate shade and competition from grass or other trees. Trees begin producing at 6-10 years of age. There are no insects or diseases that affect this tree much. 

Their prices are most reasonable. So what are you waiting for? American Persimmons are the crop of the future, people! 

– C. Penbroke Handy, ready to start a persimmon farm

TINY TOWN, USA – About 20,000 people and 25,000 cars rolled into Tiny Town from Aug. 21 to Aug. 23. More are coming. That translates into a lot of drunks and fender benders. It's called back to school time here in the U.S.A. We at TTT take a dimmer view and mark it as a another sign of the apocalypse. 

The police see it as a time to make a strong impression on the young and witless and to feather the caps they don't wear as often as they used to. Why are they not wearing their caps? We do not know.

In any case, our Tiny Town Blues met the insurgency head-on and crashed a lot pf parties from Friday to Sunday. They handled a total of about 250 calls and a whopping 163 arrests mostly for underage drinking, open container and city code violations like littering.

It's about time litterbugs got popped.

Some of these items are worthy of note to emphasize the escalation of nonsense marking this rite of passage in our idiocracy. For instance: 18 motor vehicle accidents, one involving a cop car, another a truck that hit a building in C-town and several hit and runs. Not to mention a suspicious skunk incident (see below).

About the beer busts: The editors at TTT think that the 21 year old drinking age is insane. At 18, 19 and 20 you are encouraged to go get your limbs blown off by a roadside bomb in Iraq but you can't drink beer in America?

Not only is this an insult to any 13-year-old who can hold his/her liquor, it is a set-up to break the law.

Even so, for most of these boys and girls, getting slapped with an appearance ticket is about as close to uniformed service as they will get. Except when they dump their dinner trays off at one of the campus feed lots. We believe the kitchen crews still wear EDUCorp. Laundry. 

O Yes! many a slip between cup and lip occurred this weekend. 

The following is a tally of arrests and certain charges.

Open Container Violations:  Approx. 57, mostly Saturday night and early Sunday, mostly in ChinaTown and on South Stupid Hill.

Underage drinkers popped: Approx. 37 -- ditto on dates and places.

Noise: 18 tickets issued

Littering: at least 10.

Below we note only those unlucky few who got saddled with multiple infractions. 

It will be a crowded day in old City Court folks, so reserve your seat ahead of time.

Not to be outdone, Tiny Town's local miscreants were busy as well. We note here only Mr. Larry Payne, 21, popped for an alleged felony of first degree criminal contempt and second degree harassment, picked up on Aug. 21 and held in jail last we knew.

PENULTIMATELY: We remain concerned about reports of someone shooting a BB gun at animals on Hudson Street Friday night around 9 p.m.  Hey asshole -- we'll get you!

Also: A statue on The Commons was vandalized. Hmm. Maybe the statue had it coming. More on that, later. 

FINALLY: REPORT OF A SKUNK ACTING STRANGELY. OFFICER WAS UNABLE TO LOCATE THE SKUNK IN QUESTION! Hudson Place 10:05 p.m. Aug. 22.

Below: A country skunk checking out the site of food left out for homeless barn cats in the Town of Ulysses. Skunks never behave strangely. They behave like skunks no matter the conditions. 

– C. Penbroke Handy