Franklin Crawford

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Town Town, USA – Two local bands packed full of talent and enough Herz to blow Dominion Utilities off the power grid, emptied a local bar Sunday and sent 11 people to area emergency rooms for derangement of inner ear functioning and severe disorientation. Handheld devices suffered no ill effects, but one man actually thought the wind chill was minus-9. Ha! [So wrong. It was minus-7]. No deaths, as yet, have been reported, but the bands were still performing and will continue to perform as a kind of psychic shock wave for days to come, according to Dr. Oz, an expert on this kind of stuff.

The bands, which shall not be named until all charges of Attempted Homicide by Aural Infarction, have been investigated by Homeland Security and The Dream Police, performed their President's Day tribute at The Charnel House, a derelict pub on Stewart Avenue.

Intended to be a showcase for young talent (the opening group, The Rungs), and the happy eructations of an over-educated and highly skilled cadre of fiction writers (main attraction Scary Mountain Sweetheart Band), the entire event instead incited a North Korean missile attack on the Baja region of California.

Only two people in the bar were totally unharmed, apparently because they left hours earlier. Others unscathed included a man from Suriname who performed with one of the bands, and the bartender, who, although friendly, was unimpressed by the cacophonous barrage of electronica. The latter has lived through similar events and was surprised by the unusually high number of requests for ear plugs.

"We've blown the roof off this joint before," said Stan (no last name, don't even know if his name was Stan, reporter couldn't hear him even tho bartender shouted almost transoncially). "But it was really weird to see so many lose their primary sense of hearing over some common ear-splitting music."

A sonic boom did occur and a herd of deer jumped into Coy Glen. Since no witnesses could refute the claim, it cannot be refuted, and someone will have to go look. A country music singer died, possibly unrelated. One survivor took exception to the alleged "commonness" of the decibel levels as stated by the barkeep. Speaking anonymously, this grad student, flocculated and expressed herself in      

Native American sign language (Wichita, Arapaho, Ojibwe, Cheyenne, Dakota, Ponka and Pani), and continuously repeated the above pattern on her bed sheets as she picked fuzz-balls off the reporter's sweater: The reporter could only interpret the hands-on-sheet actions as a sign of defeat and strategic retreat similar to that given by The Prophet Tecumseh after the horrible defeat at Tippecanoe. However, tinytowntimes.com's fact-checking team found this initial accounting inaccurate, and the deeper meaning appears to entirely depend on subtle movements of the fingers as well as hands, including semaphores synchronized with facial tics, as well as allopathic records of heart beat and pulse, of the signer. To reach the conclusion that this is a "death symbol" as some whites have mistakenly concluded in previous historical texts, may in fact be true, as American Indians were often dying with whites in close proximity, and the reporter, being white, and the interviewee, claiming to be of Native American blood and bent on retaking the Akwesasne house at EduCorps at the earliest opportunity, indeed seemed to be deadly earnest, deafened as she was by the music performed at the Charnel House, and twice requesting "Grape Drink and donuts." But it could have been the reporter's misinterpretation of "deaf" as "death" as the subject appeared to be unable to hear the questions and the reporter, exposed to a "sound check" at The Charnel House, was equally unable to hear and complained of tinnitus.

It was all very confusing.

↑UNHARMED: A man from another time zone appears unalarmed by a sound check that sent 11 people people to various Upstate emergency centers for injuries ranging from "bleeding ears" to burst eyeballs, spider nevi, snakes-on-planes, and a collective "aural hallucination" of Johnny Horton's "The Battle of New Orleans," apropos for the eve of Presidents Day. For a bonus prize, which of the two dead American presidents' personal facts are we celebrating: Birth? Death? Dental problems? Wife who was nuts? Send your answers to tinytowntimes.com and expect a prize around Easter.

Pool balls also were reported to have behaved erratically (the 3 ball orbited around the room claiming that the evening's programming had come to an end and it was time to sing the national anthem) and the popcorn machine reportedly spoke Urdu, said one man, who was entirely flat and had to be peeled off the linoleum.

قطار صف تمہاری ناو آہستہ نیچے قطار خوشی ندی خوشی خوشی زندگی ہے، لیکن ایک خواب

The supersonic event rivaled the alleged Russian asteroid, which NASA scientists have now downgraded to an "exploding bolo tie," even so, loud as "the Stones at Altamont," screamed one victim, occurred on Sunday night, Feb. 17, first quarter of a moon that looked suspiciously like a solid object in the sky hurtling at great speeds round and round toward no place in particular.

The two music groups were greatly enjoyed by people in other parts of the world who did not hear them and we have nothing bad to say about either ensemble as this is tiny town and it's risky to criticize people you know and we didn't hear them either. One tribal Chieftain with the Mogho Naba (in the Ouagadougou region of Burkina Faso) said, "the sun is good today and we have food." However, some people in the Penn Yann area lost their focus entirely and instead watched sports highlights that featured the recent success of a hot transexual NASCAR pilot named Donna Kilpatrick who slept with GoDaddy at The Day Tripper 500 pole dance semis.

– C. Penbroke Handy, not in the least bothered by this kind of irresponsible journalism

So this guy walks right into the blog and starts typing says he's a poet says his name is Lent. I says that name is borrowed and by tomorrow it will be spent. Then he got ... well damned if he didn't turn himself into a piece of statuary Looking like this:

Then this he/she/it or hornless unicorn spake:

upon or of a moment

i saw it was as it might have been

how progress had laid waste to what was

and the view new and vulnerable again ...

then –– a trick, one wall came down so i

could see the other hill and valley old as new

and at once another wall said no

it is as it was   still ... you

are behind the time poor angel

fly off where to you believe to a view

you think is true

f.alC6258

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