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Golden Retriever Wins Big Prizes for Retrieving Dead Chukkars

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A warning to readers: Portions of the following report are written in a language peculiar to breeders of hunting dogs, a time-honored profession that dates back to 14th Century France during the transition from the sport being strictly limited to Royalty to one enjoyed by the rising merchant class, a pattern of mimicry that continues unabated to this day and has resulted in the McMansion and the Strip Mall. 

TINY TOWN, USA – Mikey, a local golden retriever and studly pup, earned his Working Class Excellent award (WCX) on his first time round. The test was held in Baldwinsville on the former Revolutionary War grounds where Gen. Arnold Baldwin's soldiers defeated the British in a best out of five numbly-peg contest in 1773. The Onondagas, who threw in their bets with the British (dug those cool red jackets), lost all their finest hunting land as a result -- but they did get a billboard on Route 81 as a concession.

The retriever's test turned out to be far from straightforward, and a very exciting challenge for Mikey (pictured right), a golden retriever who lives on Water Wagon Road near Tiny Town.

The land triple was the usual, with a shot flyer being the go-bird. But the birds happened to be chukkars, which neither dog had ever seen (the birds were new inventions for the reporter as well). They are some sort of weird duck-like bird with long legs and claws, meant for running on the ground and not for flying. 

Ducky Dodos mayhaps? 

Mikey had three no-birds in a row for various reasons (one bird was not shot and headed off over the trees in the woods to call 9-1-1). Secondly the middle thrower threw a bird which should have gone into a field in front of her, but instead went over her head backwards into a pond where it morphed into a bottom fish in what is perhaps the first ever spontaneous devolution of a chucker into a sucker.

No. 3 bird called in sick and without a back-up could not be shot.

This was three disappointing treks to the line for Mikey, who takes these things very personally and reckoned he did something wrong. One can only imagine his befuddlement, a retriever being called back from the line of retrieval!

Undaunted he boldly strode to the line a fourth time. What followed were  three very successful retrieves, special treats and a big green ribbon and chuckers for breakfast lunch and dinner. 

Having reached the top of his class as a golden retriever Mikey will next take on other breeds and vie for top honors in fowl play. 

– M. Carvellous, Special to TinyTownTimes

Last Updated on Friday, 21 August 2009 12:25
 

Angry T-burg Father Takes Preventive Civic Action, Saves Hundreds of Lives

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TINY TOWN SATELLITE OF TRUMANSBURG –– Folks rarely make news for preventing a tragedy from happening. Not Tom Prislow. This T-burg father of two got tired of looking out the window and seeing funerals. The corner near his house was a death-trap with a pair of stop signs on one street and none on the other. 

"Why not make it a four-way? You know how many times I almost got killed there?" said Prislow, a civic-minded T-burg resident who makes Spanish cheeses.

Together with fellow concerned citizens, Prislow took his case to the town and got what he wanted: a four-way stop sign. We deem this action newsworthy.

While no accidents ever occurred at the intersection, the number of deaths if left ungoverned were informally estimated at close to 500. 

"That's not counting the cost of all the funerals," said Prislow. "Or the cost of vehicular accidents where you have to go get your car fixed and need to rent another for a while."

Success has whetted Prislow's appetite for more traffic safety reform in T-burg. His next target is the crosswalks on Main Street.

"You know how many times I almost got killed crossing that street because no one passing through obeys the pedestrian right-of-way?" said Prislow. "I go to the curb there now and all I see is a bunch of funerals."

Among the traffic-calming barriers he would like to see installed on the thoroughfare: Thick metal bollards that pop up out of the road on either side of the pedestrian crosswalk.

"What I wouldn't give to hear the crunch of fiberglass and metal when some speed-freak funeral-maker hits one of them," said Prislow.

– C. Penbroke Handy

Last Updated on Sunday, 09 August 2009 12:33
 

Town of Grotfield a Disaster Area After Seizure of Cannabis Crop; FEMA alerted

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HOW DOES YOUR GARDEN GROW?: A marijuana cultivator attending to the peaceful business of making a tax-free income and getting buzzed at the same – an American dream the government treats as a nightmare. Credit: Phil Schermeister

TINY TOWN SATELLITE OF GROTFIELD, USA –– The Town of Grotfield is virtually bankrupt following the seizure of 10 pounds of primo ganja and 389 pot plants that made up to 5 percent of this year's harvest in Bumpkins County, all from a field off Slattern Lane.

Town elders will appeal to the Obama Administration for emergency funds and disaster relief and some mobile trailers from FEMA.  

"It's all we can do now to haul in the corn and other cash crops and what little is made from dairy, firewood and postcards of our one lane bridge," said Caspar Farbst, a town father. "We hope the president will bail us out."

Farbst, a Republican, complained bitterly about the intrusion of government police agencies into an otherwise peaceful cottage industry that provided income for several families and kept tax-free dollars in the community.

He sees no conflict in asking a government he wishes didn't exist for cash to prop-up the town. He also opposes the raising of marijuana crops for anything other than profit. He is a complex man.

"Hell, I don't eat soy beans, but I see you can make money from them," he said.

Along with 10 pounds of serious weed, valued at $25,000 (street), authorities seized 398 cannabis plants -- each capable of producing roughly a pound of the product, according to the Tiny Town Narco Squad. 

Also confiscated: About $160,000 in cash.

The People: Gadzooks! That's a pile of dough! 

Yes, but it was dirty money.

The People: Dirty or not, it was locally grown.

For once, The People are talking sense.

The People: Why can't the cops just leave us pot farmers alone? 

This is America for cripe's sake. The government is funded by the people in order to police the people. 

The People: It's all wrong. The Bill of Rights clearly states --

Hoodebah! Feh! Be gone with you -- next you'll be talking about Democracy. This is a Judeo-Christian Capitalist Enterprise, always was.

The People: We believe in the right of citizens --

Shuddup. Now you are full of horse woggle again. 

The People: It was pretty good weed. We tried some.

No one said it isn't a sad thing. But we have to keep the courts busy, the prisons full, the war on drugs warring, the gangstas gangsta-ring, and make sure you folks don't get too comfortable with life here in Tiny Town. 

The People: We strongly protest this --

Silence, please! 

As of Saturday no charges had been filed and the investigation is continuing.

Watcha gonna do when they come for you?

–– C. Penbroke Handy

 

Last Updated on Friday, 21 August 2009 12:28
 

UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE ON T-burg Moth Infestation Blamed on Grassroots Festival

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UPDATE: Not to ruin a good story but the infestation is now being blamed on a man named Fitzgerald from the tiny satellite of Cortland: http://web.cortland.edu/fitzgerald/foresttentcaterpillar.html ... However, the tents at the T-burg Fairground certainly attracted these tent caterpillars and the heat and moisture at the site led to an accelerated egg-to-larvae-to-metamorphosis of the forest tent caterpillar moths and also may account for their rad coiffures. We recommend next year there be mandatory delousing as well as the dispersal of free moth balls. 

TINY TOWN SATELLITE OF TRUMANSBURG, USA ––A downtown T-burg merchant was shocked to the very core of his ample being as he closed up shop Monday night. 

"There were swarms of moths around the lights of Main Street," said the merchant, who asked not to be identified. "They were everywhere -- one got into my shirt. I examined the thing after I plucked it out of my arm pit. It looked like a miniature Viking or a winged ram with a little furry toupee."

The merchant said the infestation is obviously a result of the Grassroots Festival which ended Sunday. On Monday night, the T-burg Fairgrounds were a virtual brown field with many hangers-on still bivouacked on the midway and in the bushes. Garbage was stacked in a rudely coordinated method. Some food was exposed in former vending areas and the entire site was clammy with that palpable residuum of despair which follows mass conglomerations of humans. One lone being scuttled inside a car scratching and fishing around for a can of Napthalene.

 (SCIENCE FLASH: Naphthalene, the chemical used in moth balls, is an aromatic hydrocarbon that contains two benzene rings fused together between two adjacent carbon atoms. At room temperature, naphthalene is a white crystalline solid with a very high vapor pressure. The principal source for naphthalene is coal tar, and the chemical is used as a precursor to other organic chemicals including plastics, dyes, and solvents.) 

Our tinytowntimes.com lepitopertae specialist was on the scene and claimed the moths in fact resembled a Furry Freak Brother and concluded they must have hatched in a pile of bedding imported to the area. 

Said the merchant of the menace: "I dunno what the hell breed of moth it is and I don't care. If they got anything to do with that festival, my guess is they are Gypsy Moths."

Reporters placing a follow up call to the merchant on Tuesday found him in an agitated state.

"Strangest thing," he said. "I dreamt last night that I found a 3-inch cockroach in my basement. I ain't never had no cock-a-roaches in my home."

Surely a sign that citizens are in a kind of post-lepitopteral shock akin to the PTSD experienced by Japanese citizens terrorized by Mothra, the giant Cecropian that plagued the war ravaged country in the 1960s in concert with a giant sea lizard named Gorgo.

Although, as it was later discovered, Mothra was gentle and kind and and bore two tiny identical human twins who brought peace, SONY and economic prosperity to the island. That is why the Japanese now honor the mighty animal on the third Sunday of May with Mothra's Day.

–– C. Penbroke Handy

 

 toilets

OO-OOO, THAT SMELL: All quiet along Brewer's Row at the T-burg Fairgrounds Monday night. These able bodied port-o-potties saw plenty of action during the 4-day Grassroots Festival and are enjoying a much deserved break from their duties. No puns intended. If you think we meant "duties" like "doodies" you are sick and wrong. 

Last Updated on Friday, 21 August 2009 12:27
 

Tiny Town Utility Pole used to Advertise Rock n' Roll Beer Blast in Whitney Point for Gosh Sakes

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TINY TOWN, USA –– First there was that experiment in communal dysentery called Woodstock. Then the malarial Woodstock II. Now we have Nikstock with 100 kegs of beer and Nightmare, doing an Alice Cooper tribute, and about 40 other bands needing showers and intestinal bulking agents. West Nile Virus? H1N1? Late Blight?

FUCK 'EM! 

Who isn't tripping over cinder blocks to get tix for headline superstars like The Rods? 

We couldn't be happier here at tinytowntimes.com. Impresario Nick Fuoco, who hails from Hollywood, CA, where all the best ideas ever come from and writers go to die, is throwing the bash and it promises to be the kind of no holds barred drunken fiasco police agencies in 17 contiguous counties spend years training to quell.  The area National Guard would be put on alert, but they're all in Baghdad and Afghanistan. 

This News Flash from the Nikstock.com site should prove enlightening:

"What kind of people are we? At first glance, we seem like a crowd of social misfits... but don't be mislead...We're the kind of people who live life to the fullest. We love to be around other people. Work hard... Play VERY HARD!  We're success oriented... Positive thinking... Telling us something can't be done simply appears as a challange... We think outside the box... For example: Instead of moving the tents, we move the campfire WHILE IT'S STILL BURNING!  We make things happen! "

No pretense of aiding non-profit agencies here! Isn't it refreshing? 

Ithacan-Americans, these kinds of people would improve The Commons in an afternoon. Dismantle the fraudulent Downtown Business Improvement District, let's get Nikstock to bulldoze the Commons! 

Sadly folks, Nikstock isn't happening here in Tiny Town, home of the trust fund hippie, welfare fraud and the baffled taxpayer.

We just don't have enough heavy drinkers left who can handle 100 kegs of beer without inviting a lot of obnoxious college students and the cops who could help kill the kegs will be in uniform to keep an eye on things. Most Ithacan-Americans are either in recovery or in relapse or therapy of some sort. It is not easy being the center of the known universe, a job we all take seriously to the point of buying more Subarus per capita than any other similar sized tiny town. There's hardly any time any more for binge drinking.

No, this one-of-a-kind event is happening at Thunder Mountain, in the Tiny Town Satellite of Whitney Point -- not far enough away from Center Lisle for people there to feel safe.  Look for a large plume of smoke South-Southeasterly on the days of Aug. 7 and 8, 2009. That means an F-14 out of Griffis has laid down incendiaries before riot police moved in. 

So we ask of you, pray for Nikstock.

–– C. Penbroke Handy

 

 

 

Last Updated on Friday, 21 August 2009 12:31
 


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