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Why go see a Donkey When There's a Parade in Town? You just don't know Willie, do you?

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Tiny Town Satellite, Burdett – We sent one of our disabled reporters out to visit with Willie the Donkey who Brays at Preachers on June 2, approximately the same time as the Ithaca Festival Parade.

Why?

Because Willie is fucking awesome. 

That's really all there is to say. Except, he could use a good bath and some currying. But we love him just like he is.

Unlike the metal sculpture of a jackass at the west end of the Ithaca Gauntlet Shopping Mall and Open Air Asylum for the Permanent Underclass, a.k.a. The Commons, WILLIE is the real item.

His head alone weighs about as much as an anvil and he likes to be worshipped with skritches. He will love you as long as you allow him to place his T-Rex head on your shoulders and if you can do that AND scratch the back of his ears, well, you're in. 

It's better than any parade ever. Strong soap and hand wash recommended following a love fest with Willie. 

– C. Penbroke Handy, a man of great sorrow and regret

 

 

Last Updated on Sunday, 05 June 2011 15:09
 

Lost Platypus FOUND in T-burg Slush Pile

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Tiny Town Satellite of Trumansburg, NY –  Folks, it is not only possible to own a duck-billed platypus in the state of New York, it is likewise possible to lose one.

And then find it again. 

"Google," described by its owner as a "stuffed platypus ... a grayish-pink toy approx 12 inches long" went missing some time in mid-February. Fliers were posted offering a $15 reward and, after a tense waiting period, the reward was upped to a $25. 

Google's owner, 10-year old Lilly Root of T-burg, was heartbroken. Google went everywhere with Lilly, "stuffed under my coat," she said. They had been bosom buddies for three whole years!

←A happy, fuzzy reunion: Google (left) with her best friend, Pinkie.  (shown here after a warm bath and a tumble dry). Photo provided.

 

 

Animal rights activists can say what they will, but the best place to harbor a full grown Platypus, in particular a Webkins Toy of the grayish-pink variety, is under the coat of a fifth grade girl. 

Just as iof a capricious G-d had planned it, Google had merely jumped ship for a three-week period of Platypussian hibernation. These animals are known for their ability to escape and "play possum" under the most extreme conditions. In a separate stuffed Platypus disappearance in 2006,  the animal was recovered after an entire year. The creature had flung itself off an overpass and was bedded down at the bottom of a Norfolk and Southern salt gondola that had been shunted offtrack to a local freight yard, owing to a bad cufflink.

 

Other perilous escapdes of stuffed animals abound in myth and major daily newspapers, like the ToyrUs Times

"I'm just glad to be home," said Google, after her alleged "ordeal." Like possums, platypusses like to pretend they are shy. 

Ironically or not, Google was found by Lilly Root her very self, half exposed in a snow bank in front of Bear's Bait and Tackle on Main St. in T-burg.

"She was caked in mud and I didn't recognize her at first," said Lilly Root, speaking with her mom's permission exclusively for the tinytowntimes.com.  "But then I looked closer and it was Google!"

Owners of Google, the gadzillion dollar Internet search engine, declined to answer questions regarding intellectual property rights posed in a Western Union telegram sent from Tops Friendly Market on Meadow St. in tiny town. Perhaps they will now.

– C. Penbroke Handy, no collector of stamps, he

Last Updated on Sunday, 27 March 2011 13:34
 

Just in Time for Easter: Hammina Hammina -- The Other Pulled Pork

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Tiny Town Satellite of Lansing on Cayuga – This latest ttt food report comes from the Table Haute of Chef John Thomas Parker:

Honest Pig: Against prevailing advice and cooked to a fare-thee-well, a slow-cooked ham. Photo provided by The Chef.

"I couldn't resist trying this. My fear was that this process would turn an inexpensive bone-in ham into the equivalent of a solid-core NBA basketball.

But no ...

I put a 6-8 pound bone-in ham in a large crock pot with:

3 cups of orange juice (I wanted to use apple cider but didn't have any ...) 2 sliced apples 1 quartered orange (with the peel..) (instead of using orange zest ...) 4 TBS chopped garlic 3/4 cup of brown sugar (didn't have any maple syrup ...) About 20 whole cloves 1/2 cup of prepared Dijon mustard..

I set it for 10 hours on low heat. When we got home the house smelled great, the bone and all the icky ham stuff pulled right out leaving nothing but flaky, pulled-pork-style ham.

 This might not be hammish enough for most people and, yeah, it's drier (like pulled pork..) but it seems light, low-fat, and very tasty. I can't wait to try it using apple cider instead.

Seems like a reasonable alternative to buying spiral cut hams at a much higher price."

Well, Chef Parker, thank you. It's almost Easter and time to start thinking about that mouth watering Signature Ham recipe that Aunt Harriet made until the accident after Daddy took the T-bird away. 

– Story as reported to C. Penbroke Handy, food editor. 

Last Updated on Thursday, 20 January 2011 12:21
 

We Remember Lefty

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 lefty on leatherLefty was a born horny rooster like the rest of them, but he was a good worker and a pal.  Now he's dead.

With people dying horrible deaths everywhere, there will be no crying here over spilt roosters, no visiting hours, and no further ceremony....... but Davey here will remember Lefty until he begins  to forget himself.
    Lefty's  father was a Leghorn and his mother a Rhode Island Red: a combination which produces chicks marked differently, male and female, right out of the egg.  Hen chicks for egg farms, rooster chicks to   six-week broiler ranches....otherwise into the grinder for feed-back or, in Lefty's case,  included in a small, cold weather shipment of chicks to keep  them warm .
        At a month or so old, he was one of the resolute roosters who up and left  the chicken house after the second time a  weasel or whatever it was got in and killed a few of the chickens. 
       Led by   the Red Star Dot, the little secessionist flock  moved up toward the house , and roosted every night  on  the deck-rail by my kitchen door......

  But hey, let's you and me go over to Dog's Plot, reheat the coffee  while other people move on to do the teaser, and I'll tell you about Lefty and these good roosters:  http://dogs-plot.blogspot.com/2010/07/i-remember-lefty.html

Last Updated on Wednesday, 21 July 2010 10:35
 

Weeks before Ottowan attack, polar anomalies sited in Tiny Town Jersey satellite of Maywood

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Dear Beloved Visitors: Below please find an urgent report sent from an alert reader in the Tiny Town Satellite of Bedroom.com, in Bergen County N.J. on June 20, 2010, three days before the Ottowan Tremblor struck the Northeast. We are grateful to this contributor and his son for sharing this highly valuable information so vital to our national security interests [C. Penbroke Handy]:
 


"Based on photographic evidence accumulated over a period of 14 days,some kind of polar shift has occurred between two adjacent houses on this quiet (on weekends) little community of Bedroom (Maywood), in Bergen County, N.J.

"The first image captured on June 7, shows the wind vane on a garage pointing northward with the wind direction the same at that time, on that day ... [Editor's Note: June 7, 2010, was a Monday] ... The latter image shows the wind vane of the house adjacent, exactly two weeks later [or, close to the summer solstice, ed. note].
 
Our reader continues: 
 
"The polar direction of the windvane depicted in the first image remains the same, while the adjacent windvane (that, according to the alert reader was, originally, in agreement with the other vane) shifted its polar orientation. Notice also that the instruments contradict each other ... While the polar vectors are not 180 degrees opposite, the wind direction on that day [date not given] the wind between the two instruments appears to be going in two different directions.
 
Our Bergen bureau reporter then cries aloud [emphasis his]: "WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THIS SLEEPY LITTLE SUBURB?"
 
He asks, understandably, if his observations were a portent of things to come. He claims that scientists of various specialties "have been summoned to this sleepy 'burb to gauge and meter the extent of the changes occurring here."
 
We have forwarded this material to our very own atmospheric specialist, Davey Weathercock and his trusty assistant, Olive, the Weather Hen, for a full investigation.  Tinytowntimes.com's contact at the USGS and NOAA also have been advised.

The reader then finishes his missive with this litany: "Could this (event) be (caused) by a geologic, meteorologic, sociologic, zoologic, biologic, chemcal, anthropologic, archaeaologic, phrenologic or illogical distubance?"

Curious that his first choice should be GEOLOGIC -- no? Given the events that have transpired over the course of this momentous week, we are starting to put things together here and the picture is getting about as clear as the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico. 

We trust there will be more reports from our new Bergen County bureau chief who reports under the byline: R. Cane Skribler. Thank you, sir, for trusting in us.

Last Updated on Thursday, 24 June 2010 12:00
 


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