Franklin Crawford

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We Remember Lefty

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 lefty on leatherLefty was a born horny rooster like the rest of them, but he was a good worker and a pal.  Now he's dead.

With people dying horrible deaths everywhere, there will be no crying here over spilt roosters, no visiting hours, and no further ceremony....... but Davey here will remember Lefty until he begins  to forget himself.
    Lefty's  father was a Leghorn and his mother a Rhode Island Red: a combination which produces chicks marked differently, male and female, right out of the egg.  Hen chicks for egg farms, rooster chicks to   six-week broiler ranches....otherwise into the grinder for feed-back or, in Lefty's case,  included in a small, cold weather shipment of chicks to keep  them warm .
        At a month or so old, he was one of the resolute roosters who up and left  the chicken house after the second time a  weasel or whatever it was got in and killed a few of the chickens. 
       Led by   the Red Star Dot, the little secessionist flock  moved up toward the house , and roosted every night  on  the deck-rail by my kitchen door......

  But hey, let's you and me go over to Dog's Plot, reheat the coffee  while other people move on to do the teaser, and I'll tell you about Lefty and these good roosters:  http://dogs-plot.blogspot.com/2010/07/i-remember-lefty.html

Last Updated on Wednesday, 21 July 2010 10:35
 

Weeks before Ottowan attack, polar anomalies sited in Tiny Town Jersey satellite of Maywood

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Dear Beloved Visitors: Below please find an urgent report sent from an alert reader in the Tiny Town Satellite of Bedroom.com, in Bergen County N.J. on June 20, 2010, three days before the Ottowan Tremblor struck the Northeast. We are grateful to this contributor and his son for sharing this highly valuable information so vital to our national security interests [C. Penbroke Handy]:
 


"Based on photographic evidence accumulated over a period of 14 days,some kind of polar shift has occurred between two adjacent houses on this quiet (on weekends) little community of Bedroom (Maywood), in Bergen County, N.J.

"The first image captured on June 7, shows the wind vane on a garage pointing northward with the wind direction the same at that time, on that day ... [Editor's Note: June 7, 2010, was a Monday] ... The latter image shows the wind vane of the house adjacent, exactly two weeks later [or, close to the summer solstice, ed. note].
 
Our reader continues: 
 
"The polar direction of the windvane depicted in the first image remains the same, while the adjacent windvane (that, according to the alert reader was, originally, in agreement with the other vane) shifted its polar orientation. Notice also that the instruments contradict each other ... While the polar vectors are not 180 degrees opposite, the wind direction on that day [date not given] the wind between the two instruments appears to be going in two different directions.
 
Our Bergen bureau reporter then cries aloud [emphasis his]: "WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THIS SLEEPY LITTLE SUBURB?"
 
He asks, understandably, if his observations were a portent of things to come. He claims that scientists of various specialties "have been summoned to this sleepy 'burb to gauge and meter the extent of the changes occurring here."
 
We have forwarded this material to our very own atmospheric specialist, Davey Weathercock and his trusty assistant, Olive, the Weather Hen, for a full investigation.  Tinytowntimes.com's contact at the USGS and NOAA also have been advised.

The reader then finishes his missive with this litany: "Could this (event) be (caused) by a geologic, meteorologic, sociologic, zoologic, biologic, chemcal, anthropologic, archaeaologic, phrenologic or illogical distubance?"

Curious that his first choice should be GEOLOGIC -- no? Given the events that have transpired over the course of this momentous week, we are starting to put things together here and the picture is getting about as clear as the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico. 

We trust there will be more reports from our new Bergen County bureau chief who reports under the byline: R. Cane Skribler. Thank you, sir, for trusting in us.

Last Updated on Thursday, 24 June 2010 12:00
 

Park Outdoor and the Alpine Baptists team up to ruin your world view

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Tiny Town Satellite of Alpine, USA – Nothing like a nice ride in the country to restore your sense of wonder, see how sweet is Mother Nature's creation and to note that holy fucking shit!

"Me and the missus was just going out to buy some mixed bird seed when we see this sign and it scared the very life out of us! What do it mean?" asked one motorist who had pulled over to gather his wits."I don't want to perish. I don't wanna die! It's such a nice day!" 

Park Outdoor continues to make a good buck from groups like the Bible Baptist Fellowship of Alpine, N.Y. and their g-dawful signs.

And Tiny Town Times will continue to launch existential spitballs at them.

It is one thing to spread the word of one's faith abroad. But this billboard is not about the teachings of Jesus or any other wretched desert prophet from then till the Ayatollah and Billy Graham. 

Is it right to display such eyesores as long as you pay for it? This sign not only desecrates the lovely verdant hill behind it, it has the power -- to those vulnerable -- to cause great harm and unease. It has the power to cause a spiritually unhinged driver to lose concentration and rear-end a garbage truck from Jersey driven by a low end mobster.

The sign, in short, is disgraceful. It's only redeeming feature: it does make one think of BBQ and it is summer and that's the best time for a BBQ.

We are am sure the BBF of Alpine had better ways to spend the tithings plucked from the pockets of their guilt-ridden and shame-consumed congregation. But there's no such thing as bad advertising. 

Or is there? What is the inherent message of the billboard? "Repent or Perish either way its the furnace for you?" If you have to read the fine print on a billboard, or dial a number, your time is already up. The method is ineffective.

Passing this sign at even a speed slow enough to correlate the letters to the numbers on your cell phone, it looks like you get fucked no matter what.

Kudos to that ol' prankster Beezlebub and fire up that grill, Mr. Park. 

–– C. Penbroke Handy, G-d's Other Son

 

Last Updated on Sunday, 13 June 2010 13:50
 

Stench City Living: Whispering Walls

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Stench City Living: Whispering WallsSTENCH, N.Y. – Formerly known as The Raven Hill Hospital; The Whispering Walls Apartment Complex offers un-natural amenities in the heart of Stench’s sub-cultural district. Current occupants are primarily students from the music school and the drug addled. The constant music from student rehearsals drifting through the halls gives the residence an air of being in the climactic moment of a crapass James Cameron movie. 

The lobby is trafficked with greeters with one common goal; the obtaining of coin. Enthusiasts of the sport known as “Bum Bashing” have at their hands ample opportunity to practice their craft. The elevator to the nine story building stops only on the sixth floor. In the hallways chipped paint, fungi the size of an elephant’s head, and falling ceiling tiles are an added charm for the more stalwart characters. Residents approve of the many special features inside the apartments. Sudden House Arrest Syndrome happens when deadbolts lock and unlock unassisted by human intervention. The heating ducts emit a mysterious greasy film of unknown origin that no known solvent can eradicate. Late at night, the walls have been reported to be whispering the phrase, “I know who you really are”.

Whispering Walls is within walking distance of many cultural facilities. The Bell End Art Gallery interior looks like a garbage barge chartered by a Long Island Mob Boss.
The director, resplendent in toy glasses and a tiny piss yellow paper hat, greets all patrons by inquiring about their sexual preference.
 
Whispering Walls residents that enjoy "doing rails" have a plethora of options, as crack houses with convenient drive-thru amenities are plentiful. Educators get a special discount on Tuesdays before 6 p.m.. When blizzards strike Stench, the crack man will travel by pit bull driven wheel chair and make deliveries directly to Whispering Walls.
 
~ Kensington P. Gore, special to TinyTowntimes.com 

Last Updated on Wednesday, 28 April 2010 11:25
 

Torrid Tales from Stench: The Play's the Thing

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Torrid Tales from Stench: The Play's the Thing

Stench is home to one of the largest and oldest municipal Victorian cemeteries in the country. Jack the Ripper is rumored to have been buried in Stench, which is a source of pride sullied only by experts that claim the identity of Saucy Jack remains unknown. Another point of interest is a waterfall where a famous 1800’s daredevil, who kept a pet bear on a chain and a fox on a rope, leapt to his death.   


A local improvisational group called Improvorama made a bloody mess last week. Deep in the bowels of a highly acclaimed regional theatre there was mischief afoot. While the landed gentry of the town watched the latest milquetoast quirky comedy upstairs, the kids were squirting sweet smelling theatrical blood at each other below stairs. Improvorama member Ginger Snap Jr. got a kick out of the dichotomy, “It's great that we're this pocket of playful irreverence in a largely stodgy environment.”  

The troupe put on a horror themed show to pay homage to the genre. Having exhausted the themes of zombies, werewolves, vampires, and Yetis their thoughts naturally turned to blood. The ghost of Sam Peckinpah wept with joy. Audience members in the front row got a real treat, as the faux blood flowed from the stage onto their faces. Many commented on the pleasant nature of the smell, likening it to a favorite childhood tropical beverage. Whether they took the next logical step and actually consumed the phony vital fluid remains a mystery. 

- Kensington P. Gore, Stench Correspondent 

Last Updated on Thursday, 15 April 2010 16:53
 
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Opinion / Letters