Tiny Town, USA – Recent studies of infants have re-confirmed that most of them are stupid and helpless without serious, long-term help.
Many of them remain stupid throughout their entire infancy and avoid being studied in laboratories altogether and enjoy normal development and experience trouble asking for things that they want without screaming and crying; baffled and bemused by stuffed bird mobiles; and, some, not all, are ticklish.
Other babies however, exhibit what clinicians in child development centers around the country are calling the "Churchill-Gates Affect." That is to say, if you stuck a cigar in their mouths and a bowler hat on their heads, put them in front of a computer, they would be ripe for a Charles Schwab commercial.
These babies show a marked, almost predetermined inclination to toggle switches, drool on keyboards and appear to intuitively grasp the novelty of the mouse pad as a chew toy. When exposed to colored wires, they express a form of affection usually reserved for infants and stuffed animals.
These babies, homely in the extreme, are what Dr. Carl Fishkill, infant development expert of EDuCorp University, calls: "Geek babies."
"We now have longitudinal studies showing that infants who resemble Winston Churchill and demonstrate a marked proclivity with virtual PC and Mac toy computer hardware elements grow up to be your typical office tech gurus and geeky Bill Gates types in private pre-schools where electronics are available," said Dr. Fishskill. "In other words, wealthy, privileged, homely babies have a greater chance of later entering into computer science or engineering careers."
Careers as bean counters also showed up in the studies and Fishkill was quick to point out that "not all these infants are keen on math nor do they remain ugly throughout their maturation. Some become quite handsome or beautiful. If they are not sidetracked into the liberal arts, almost to a person they will become Silicon Valley girls and boys."
Fishkill's study "Predetermined Technological Prowess in Prelingual Infants," has become a hot white paper. In future articles Tiny Town Times will explore the wrongness of Dr. Fishkill's findings and hopefully, get him laughed out of the academy.
– Chad Coles, Finally a Staff Writer for Tiny Town Times