Tiny Town, USA – The Ithaca Police Department was especially noticeable this weekend past. Aside from the usual reasons for a heightened police presence (rumors that Ira McKinley was back in town, for instance ... that's a joke, Ira) ... the unusual number of patrols was due to an extra special effort that has proved effective in addressing the needs of local residents, on South and East Hills: Namely, drunk and noisy underage kids pissing in public and abusing No Parking signs and -- a little known contingent of unregistered Greeks. Why this ethnic group has been singled out is uncertain, but if you are Greek and you are not registered as one, better watch out.
Welcome to the IPD's Quality of Life detail. Huzzah! We sure need them because my idea of noise includes jake-braking city trucks, lawn mowers, trash-talking loudmouths, guys who singalong to their iPods, certain Robins who won't shut up at 3:30 in the morning and those dudes with the subwoofers in their rice-burners who caused grandpa's pacemaker to implode.
Officers will actively address each offense that they observe and vigorously enforce New York State Law and City of Ithaca Codes that protect the quality of life in the East Hill neighborhood, quoth one TV new broadcast. Aren't there are other hills around here? What about the flats where the Chief of Police resides?
Well, bully on the Tiny Town Blues for taking on this thankless task. Why not expand upon the concept?
The IPD QOL detail ought to be monitoring the arts scene for signs of haughtiness and vulgarity of production. As well, any unexceptional public art should be tagged with an orange hazard sticker or one of those signs they put on trees "Scheduled for Removal" ... I can think of a number of pieces that if I never saw them again, it would be too soon, as my mom was fond of saying.
The detail also should be given vouchers for meals at some of tiny town's reputedly "fine dining" restaurants. Overpriced, subpar entrees, weak cocktails and desserts that "don't hit the spot" should be duly noted, the chef summoned and the owner excised.
There's plenty of QOL detail business to attend to along Beggar's Opera Highway, formerly known as the Southwest Shopping Corridor. These organized groups of money grubbers need to be rounded up and redistributed to farms in Upstate where they can work for a buck outdoors in all kinds of miserable weather.
In addition there are some QOL issues along the public library's portico. Officers should be given the freedom to ticket anyone spitting and smoking within 30 feet of our charming atheneum. In addition, offenders will be issued a book, 8th grade level and up, of no less than 250 pages and be forced to submit a 5-page typewritten report on a theme of the officer's choosing, and submitted to the mayor, double-spaced on clean cotton bond. Those who refuse will be sent to Portland.
Punk-ass owners of otherwise decent dogs who do not pick up after their animals will be subject to several levels of punishment at the hands of a QOL officer: Namely, they shall be forced to stick their noses in the dog poo, then clean it up with their hands, after which they shall be covered in a dry cleaner bag and thrown down a flight of stairs. Their dogs will be handed over to a certified trainer and when the owner recovers, the dog can teach the punk how to behave in public.
Lastly, would someone please give the Commons Corner Rapper a new CD to pawn off on an unwitting public. I have three copies now of "CUM GET SUM" and they are amazingly similar. In fact, they are all the same.
We at tinytowntimes.com believe that these additions to the QOL detail will not only make the job more interesting for the officers involved but go a long way toward restoring the dignity of our blessed city.
– C. Penbroke Handy, big fan of QOL